


all i want

by attack_on_toast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst without plot, M/M, Songfic, and no plot, its, more or less, theres tons of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 08:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3930775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_toast/pseuds/attack_on_toast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata’s hand, small and cold, presses into Tobio’s. His face is uncharacteristically pale; tiny constellations of freckles, accumulated from hours of playing volleyball in the blazing sun, dot his cheeks. Looking at his face makes Tobio uncomfortable, but he can’t quite explain why. Maybe it’s guilt, guilt that he hadn’t been there when it happened, guilt that he hadn’t known until hours later, after he received a call from Hinata’s mother. Maybe it’s because he’s selfish, and he doesn’t want to think of Hinata as the mere shell of a body that seems to be the only thing left of the boy he loves. </p>
<p>Maybe it’s because, if he pretends hard enough, he can convince himself that nothing has happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all i want

**Author's Note:**

> based off of  [ All I Want by Kodaline ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM)
> 
> Thanks to my beta  [ gabe ](http://forgottenwinchester.co.vu/) because she’s amazing and wonderful and i’d be lost without her and also to  [ sugar ](http://crownten.tumblr.com) because she sent me the song (so this entire fic is basically her fault yeah) and also her birthday happened happy late birthdayyyyyyyy yeah i hope you like it
> 
>  

Hinata’s hand, small and cold, presses into Tobio’s. His face is uncharacteristically pale; tiny constellations of freckles, accumulated from hours of playing volleyball in the blazing sun, dot his cheeks. Looking at his face makes Tobio uncomfortable, but he can’t quite explain why. Maybe it’s guilt, guilt that he hadn’t been there when it happened, guilt that he hadn’t known until hours later, after he received a call from Hinata’s mother. Maybe it’s because he’s selfish, and he doesn’t want to think of Hinata as the mere shell of a body that seems to be the only thing left of the boy he loves.

 

Maybe it’s because, if he pretends hard enough, he can convince himself that nothing has happened.

 

All Tobio wants is to see Hinata again, wants to see him properly alive, if only for an hour, a minute. He wants to apologize for everything he’d ever done wrong. He wants to tell Hinata that he doesn’t regret anything. He wants to see his eyes, chestnut brown and positively glowing with excitement at the smallest things. He wants to kiss Hinata’s eyelids as he drifts off to sleep; wants to to comb through fluffy orange hair with careful fingers, picking out the tangles.

 

_All I want is nothing more_

_To hear you knocking at my door_

Most of all, he wants to see Hinata’s smile. He wants to sear it into his memory, to carry it to his deathbed. But he can’t. No matter how much he aches to see Hinata smile, though, there is a chance that he will never see it again - not for him, not for anyone.

 

_‘Cause if I could see your face once more_

_I’d die a happy man I’m sure_

 

No matter how much Tobio hopes and prays, Hinata may never come back. The doctor speaking to him had made that much clear, at least. Over the course of four days, Tobio has comes to hate those doctors, the ones who hand out bad news like candy, the ones that think it’s possible to define Hinata, _his_ Hinata, as a series of numbers and percentages. But he knows that they’re doing everything they can to bring him back.

 

A nurse consoles Tobio, tells him that he shouldn’t worry, that Hinata isn’t really gone, that he can and that he _will_ come back at any moment. Tobio can’t help but think that she’s lying.

 

Sometimes, Tobio isn’t even sure what the truth is. Sometimes, he doesn’t think he can believe anything at all.

 

_When you said your last goodbye_

_I died a little bit inside_

Some nights, as he lies awake in the vacant blackness, Tobio imagines that he hears Hinata. Sometimes he dreams of Hinata. It’s always the same dream. They’re at a beach, and Hinata is swimming _much_ too far offshore, calling out to him to _come here, Tobio, I want to show you something!_ and Tobio swims after Hinata as fast as he can, with all of his might. He flails his arms and legs, desperately trying to propel himself forward through the waves. But no matter how hard Tobio tries, Hinata remains an ever-shrinking speck in the distance. Even though he knows it’s just a dream, Tobio curses himself. He’s never fast enough, strong enough, smart enough, and he can’t catch up, he’ll _never_ be able to catch up.

 

_I lay in tears in bed all night_

_Alone without you by my side_

 

Sometimes, Tobio’s sadness turns to bitterness, and that’s when he hates himself the most. In the darkest parts of his mind, he can’t help but ask himself if their love was ever real, ever true. The feather-light touches, the soft, airy kisses. The annoying, bleary eyed, three-in-the-morning phone calls _because I wanted to tell you I love you Tobio_ , where he’d just tell Hinata to _shut up, for God’s sake, it’s three in the goddamn morning_ , but they’d still end up talking together for hours about everything and nothing until the sun peeked through his blinds and he’d mourn another night of sleep lost to his verbose boyfriend. If it all was real, why did Hinata have to leave? If they were real, why was Tobio so terrifyingly , overwhelmingly, pitifully alone?

 

_But if you loved me_

_Why’d you leave me_

Hinata had been, no, Hinata is his everything. The blood in his veins, the air in his lungs, a very part of his soul. Without Hinata, Tobio’s life lacks any sort of meaning. Without Hinata, he has no reason to go on. His arms won’t move, his legs won’t hold him upright. He can’t speak, he can’t breathe, he can’t think. He feels empty, as if he’s been stripped of his organs and abandoned. It leaves him tossing and turning at night, haunted by the nightmare of Hinata drowning at sea. Sometimes he laughs at the irony, thinking that it’s he who is drowning, and not Hinata.

 

_Take my body_

_Take my body_

 

Tobio’s heart aches with empty desire, a desire that can never really be filled. He knows it’s pointless, all of this wanting and waiting, but he can’t help it. All he wants, no, all he needs is Hinata: alive, whole, and by his side once more.

 

_All I want is_

_And all I need is_

Some people don’t understand. “At least he’s not dead,” a boy at school says, trying to comfort him. But to Tobio, comatose and unresponsive is about as close to dead as someone can get without being completely gone. Even if the doctors say Hinata has a good chance of coming back, of waking up, there’s no guarantee. There are never any guarantees in this world, he learns quickly, as he watches the slow, steady pulsing of Hinata’s heart monitor.

 

“Maybe it’s time to move on,” his mother suggests softly, staring at him with tired grey eyes as he paces up and down the living room floor. The idea shocks him so much that he stops his pacing and turns to look at his mother with a horrified expression. Move on? That would be the utmost betrayal, akin to what he had always feared from Hinata. It would be as if he’s giving up on Hinata, or casting him aside. He can’t move on. He can’t accept that he’s lost what is most dear to him.

 

_To find somebody_

_I’ll find somebody like you_

Tobio stares intensely at Hinata, trying to process the little bit of color that has returned to his cheeks. For a second he fancies that Hinata’s eyelids flutter, but he chalks it up to an overactive imagination.

 

“ _Please, Shouyou_.” Tobio’s voice breaks. The tears which he’d been holding back for days finally finding a way out, sliding down his cheeks and dripping onto the linoleum tile of the hospital floor.

 

The silence he receives as a response is painfully loud.

 


End file.
